Reflection

After rereading my Shattered post from two years ago that came up on Facebook, I have to admit I've come a long way. I shared a story about the conversation my mom and I had after I broke up with my fiancé. She told me that the real reason we didn’t work was due to the fact that I didn’t have the ability to be vulnerable, and that the wall around my heart was so high I wouldn’t let him in. I wrote:

“Everything about my upbringing is living proof of how people can't be trusted. I honestly don't know if I will be able to fully let anyone in but I'm trying. In that same conversation my mom told me that I don't need anyone. I told her I need her, I couldn't live without her, or Emery or Rudy. She said, "No, if I pissed you off bad enough you could live without me and I've seen you live without Rudy." Harsh? Maybe. But I didn't have anything to defend myself with because she was right. I don't want to be someone capable of being alone. I am aware of the way that I am and the flaws I carry because of the cards I've been dealt and will use that knowledge to improve. I'll be better than the person I was yesterday.”

Honestly, even after I realized what I was doing, I didn’t think it was a habit I was strong enough to break. I pushed people away before they pushed me away, it’s how I was wired. And because I didn’t believe I was strong enough, I wasn’t. But one day something amazing happened; I let someone in.

I’ve always believed and expressed how I feel about people who use those really terrible things that happened to them as an excuse for making even worse decisions, and it hasn’t changed. Especially now, because what I once believed with my whole heart to be true because of what happened to me, wasn’t. I shared the deepest, most sacred parts of myself to someone, and instead of scaring them away like I pictured would happen so many times in my head, they loved me more for it. I learned that by holding onto all that anger and pain, I let it define the things I was and was not capable of achieving. I let them define my happiness, and the moment I took ownership of that, my entire world changed. I changed.

I still don't have all the answers, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that there aren't days where I question everything. But what I do know, is that the second I stopped letting that little girl- the one whose world fell from underneath her- hold the controller to my life, I stopped being that girl who was capable of being alone.  

Time.

Time.

Its really is a crazy concept to grasp.

365 days in a year, 52 weeks.

7 days in a week, 24 hours in a day.

60 minutes in an hour & 60 seconds in a minute.

 One year seems like eternity in the moment.

Break it down, & its nothing.

Someone breaks your heart and the only thing you can do is give it time, move on, and eventually the pieces start to heal themselves. Someone close to you passes and that pain feel is unbearable in the moment, but as time goes on, life starts to become a little easier, hurt less. That anger you once felt towards someone starts to dwindle the longer they've been out of your life, it all becomes a blur and you forget why you were even mad in the first place. Time really has the ability to heal all things.

I've always felt like there was a reason I needed to come to Dixie. It was the plan right after high school and I had everything set for me to go that fall. I had my dorm ready to go and knew the girls I was going to live with, I had my classes picked out and me being me, I up and moved to Seattle. Then, while I was living New York I had this gut feeling to go to Dixie, again. It took a lot of second guessing myself but I finally did it, I'm here and I couldn't be happier with my decision. If you know me, you know I have the hardest time staying in once place for longer than 6 months, let alone a year. August 15th will be my year mark. I didn't think I could do it, and honestly I almost didn't. There were multiple occasions I almost packed up my bags and ran off to find a new adventure. But I finally broke the cycle that was on repeat, I stayed.

This last year has been hectic to say the least, but educational. I've found that day by day I'm changing. My expectations and wants are completely different than they were even a month ago. Circumstances change, feelings change and we have to decide at the end of the day where we are gonna go from here. As I grow I'm understanding just how temporary things really are. Literally, everything. I've found that being sad happens but it doesn't stay. Friends come and they go, and to stop dwelling on useless drama because its just not worth it. Boys are replaceable. Seriously, there's a million more out there. I understand that all of this will become a memory someday but its up to me to make it a life worth watching. Its up to me to decide whats worth the pain and whats not because it won't last. Its up to me to wake up in the morning and decide that its going to be an absolutely amazing day. Don't get me wrong  I tend to be an emotional roller coaster, but I think that's okay. Its okay to feel at extremes but realize in a week, month, year, this little bump you have going on right now won't matter. Like at all.

With everything that has been going on lately I needed to step back, and let it be. I needed to appreciate the cycle that's been broken and realize I really am a good person. Despite all the mistakes I've made and people I've hurt, they've all led to this moment right here. And in this moment I'm happy. I still haven't figured out that gut feeling as to why I needed to come here yet... and maybe it was as simple as realizing I have the capability to stay in one place, or maybe I needed to meet all of these people who have had this huge impact in my life, or learn all these lessons that has altered my view of life, mature even. But no matter the reason, I'm glad I finally decided to think with my heart, not my head.

I feel like if everyone looked at life this way, they'd be so much happier. I wish everyone could realize just how temporary everything is. I wish people would stop dwelling on things that don't matter and are bringing them down because chances are, it really doesn't matter. It just feels like the end of the world in that moment. But as we've established earlier, moments come and they go and its up to us to make the best of every single one of them.

Shattered.

I tend to feel deeply and with everything I have. I feel at extremes. When I'm happy, that's it, my life is great and I don't focus on the negative at all. 95% of the time that is the category I am placed in. Why? Because I rarely have bad days. People ask me how I do it and there is no explanation I can give because it's who I am. I am just a happy person. On the flip side though, when I am sad, hurt, mad, or whatever feeling that goes along with being negative; its as if the world is going to end. I can't help it either but I tend to bounce back quickly. On those rare days I'm sad, I am able to grieve and go right back to being positive. I have no idea how I do it, but I do. There is too much in my life to be happy about. I'd rather not waste my time focused solely on the bad.

Its been about a month since I've had the conversation with my mom that led to the discovery of just how broken I really am. I try so incredibly hard not to use my past as a crutch because everything that I went though growing up is why I am the way that I am. I like this person. But, that is also where my bad qualities come in. As much as I try to overcome them it's really not that easy. I am reminded day after day why I shut everyone out. Without expectations, there are no disappointments.

I had just broken up with my fiance when we had this talk. She informed me that the wall built around my heart is so high and that my inability to be vulnerable is one of the reasons we why didn't work. And why shouldn't it be high? I give even just an ounce of trust away and its taken for granted. People are constantly reminding me that the only person you can depend on is yourself.

I've been broken from the start.

Only a select few know about my past but I'm just gonna throw it out for the world to know because I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Plus, there's that small part of me that is doing it because people can't be trusted, so what better way to take away someones trust then to tell the world before they do.

Both my parents were heroin addicts. I was taken away as soon as I was born because well, there's no way to word this so it sounds even remotely okay so I'm just going to say it... I was born addicted to heroin. The doctors had to give me opiates to start weening me off in order to survive and I, myself went through the withdrawal process. Lori, the women who gave birth to me got her shit together, or at least pretended to and got me back. I was 2 in a half when my little brother Rudy was born. Sometime after that the man who fathered us went to prison for dealing. Lori needed to find another way to get her fix so she became a hooker, literally. She would have sex with these men while I was laying in the bed next to her holding my baby brother. How sick can a human be? Well, finally she couldn't take it anymore or something because she just left. I don't remember for how long, but long enough for me to run out of formula for Rudy. I guess I went to the next door neighbors to ask for more and that's when they realized we were all alone and called CPS. We were immediately taken away and placed in care.

Foster care back then isn't what it's like now. I didn't know what Christmas was, or got presents on my birthday. I was solely a paycheck to the many families I was in. We bounced around, a lot. I went through things no child should have to go through. Even so, Rudy was first and foremost my main priority. Everything I did was to protect him. I remember him getting beat for being 3 years old and wetting the bed and doing everything I could to stop her. Why? Why did I go through all of this? Because one chemical was more important than the both of us. 

Eventually, I was adopted. I was eight, and if you read my post from back in December you can get a better understanding of how that went about. I'm sure you're thinking this should be the part where I tell you I got 2 loving parents who found it in their hearts to love me as if I was their own and we lived happily ever after, but its not. It was about 3 years later that they divorced. My dad developed a bit of an anger problem and was abusive. My mother on the other hand drank her problems away and abused her prescriptions. Apparently, one time wasn't enough. I needed every parental figure to prove to me that there is no such thing as unconditional love.

We moved to Utah when I was 14. And by we, I mean my mom, Rudy, and I. Some stuff happened over the span of the next 2 years and we were both taken away, again. I was 16 at this point and we weren't placed together. For the first time in my entire life, Rudy and I were separated. Although, it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, it was also a blessing in disguise. I was put in the home of two of the most amazing people I have met in my entire life. I call them mom and dad, others just call them Renee and Emery. The people that adopted me are still in my life and have been forgiven for the mistakes they've made, but our relationship is different. Renee and Emery still to this day have never once let me down. I am so grateful for the trials I've been through and heartache I've felt trying to find them. That, to me, is the silver lining.

So who wouldn't be broken? The two people who were genetically wired to love me, didn't. The two people that took me in, gave me their last name and were suppose to raise me, couldn't. The word consistency is foreign to me. I grew up believing your body is an object, love is conditional and people always leave. 

Luckily, with the help of Renee and Emery, I'm a little less broken. I have turned everything that happened to me into a strength. I am a better person because I know first hand someone always has it worse and that you can't always judge a book by its cover. There's always a reason for why people are the way that they are. And it makes me laugh when people use their past as crutch. Like "oh poor me I had a rough life so I'm gonna use it as an excuse for everything." No, you take that shitty thing that happened and you use it as fuel to be better in everything that you do. 

I won't lie, in high school I wasn't always this strong. I tried to find love in all the wrong places and blamed my mom for a lot of the things that happened to me without ever realizing it. I pushed her away for things she didn't even do. Fortunately, over the last few years I've grown. I've turned into this person that has the capacity to forgive. I can look at who I was 6 years ago and am thankful for all those mistakes I made. Does it suck when people ask me something and I feel the need to lie because they won't understand my past? Yeah. Do I regret anything about my life? Not at all. People hear my story and are blown away by my strength. I am not perfect and by no means try to be. I'm still struggling to find my place in this world just like you. And yes, everything about my upbringing is living proof of how people can't be trusted. I honestly don't know if I will be able to fully let anyone in but I'm trying. In that same conversation my mom told me that I don't need anyone. I told her I need her, I couldn't live without her, or Emery or Rudy. She said, "No, if I pissed you off bad enough you could live without me and I've seen you live without Rudy." Harsh? Maybe. But I didn't have anything to defend myself with because she was right. I don't want to be someone capable of being alone. I am aware of the way that I am and the flaws I carry because of the cards I've been dealt and will use that knowledge to improve. I'll be better than the person I was yesterday.

So, why tell the world all of this? What did I have to gain?

Nothing. At the end of the day it's my choice to forgive those who have wronged me, or not. I could sit here and sulk in all the reasons why I can't trust anybody, or I can embrace who I am and the trials I've been through. I love the fact that people can look at me and never in a million years have guessed I had this life. Honestly, I think people just need to realize that everyone has a past. Everyone has things about their life that they are ashamed of. Everyone has been through something that has forced them to change. With that being said, I have a challenge for you... ask yourself this: Is every person you know right now, at this very moment a good person? Are they someone you are glad to have as a friend? If the answer to both of those is yes, their past shouldn't matter. Its not who they are anymore. If anything you should be grateful for it. Why? Because who knows if you would of even been friends with them if they hadn't been through those things that made them who they are now.

So, I guess all I want is for you to take this with you. Take these words I've said and reflect who you are as a person. Embrace your mistakes and be better tomorrow.