"Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting."
-Peter Pan
At this very moment, people are jealous of the life I'm about to endure. The opportunity I have is something people around here only dream about, some would even call me lucky. The truth is I'm terrified. I am twenty years old, moving all the way across the country to live with a family I've never met. I get paid to help them with their kids and be part of the family, they take me on trips, give me a car to use and a place to live. Sounds like heaven right? I should be trilled to be leaving. This is the ticket out I've been waiting for, the one that will change my life, and I'm sitting here thinking about everything that's going to go wrong.
Ask anyone that knows me, I'm a dreamer. I use to talk about the future with such unrealistic possibilities. A small town girl living in the big city? New York was a pipe dream for a girl like me. I guess a 300 square foot room, working day and night to pay the bills was more realistic. That's what the city is like for most people, but somehow I managed to land a job that made every single one of my dreams come true. Yes, me. A girl from the town of Pleasant Grove, Utah. I didn't have to go to school for 4 years to make the kind of money it takes to live in a city like New york. I put myself on a website, describing myself and why I would want to become a nanny in all of about 5 sentences, and bam someone wanted me, a few someones actually. I had phone interviews with a couple of families, and this is the one that clicked. We talked for an hour in a half, and somehow just being myself landed me the job. Who knew that's all it took?
Some would describe me as a control freak, I hate change. Just the thought of it scares me, yet all I've ever wanted was to move to a big city where nobody knows my name and reinvent myself. I'm not sure how those two can really work together, how can someone who hates change want to move to a place where everything is different? I get the chance to be anyone I want to be, this opportunity allows me to start over. All my mistakes, and regrets are about to be part of the past. But my character will stay with me, it will make or break me. Luckily I was raised in a family that has thought me right from wrong, the good from bad. How to have compassion and be sincere, pretty much how to be a good person. So I guess I'm set, this is going to be an amazing, wonderful life changing experience for me. I'm not sure if that scares me as much as knowing that my future is still a mystery. Nobody really knows what their future holds, but living here I had a better idea of what to expect. I know who my friends are and who to call when I'm having a bad day. I know that if I get homesick my family is only 15 minutes away, and the family I live with treat me as their own. I have a roof over my head, a car, and food to eat. I know that when I wanna just sit and cry my best friend will be there in a heartbeat. My life here is great, I have no complaints. But I also have a past that likes to bite in the ass, people don't always believe you when you've said you've changed, I can't just press rewind and fix the relationships lost. This place is also a reminder of who I've been, the people I've hurt still reside here, the mistakes I've made still come up on a daily basis. That won't change. People will tell me that I'm running away from my problems, and in a sense I guess they would be right. But to me its not running, its wanting something different. This is my do-over button, my chance to start over.
This is meant to be temporary. I go for a year, decide whether I want to stay longer or want to come home. This is just another chapter in my life book, but what if I love it so much I want to stay? Am I childish to not want to grow up? I know that I cant base my life around my friends and family anymore, which is why I know I need to do this. Its taking a big step to adulthood. I won't be able to just call mommy and daddy to fix things that go wrong anymore, I need to stand on my own two feet. I'm afraid of falling in love with the life I'm about to have, I have made life long friendships here, in this place. Not coming back isn't the plan. But we all know that life throws things at you way beyond your control.
I am a big believer in fate, there is a plan for each and everyone of us. But I also believe we have the ability to create our own fate. Its up to us how to handle each and every situation we get faced with everyday. If I stayed, I wouldn't be miserable. I would take what life throws my way and make the best of it. Just like leaving will just be another stepping stone toward whats destine for me. But what if I fall in love, finish college and get an even better job out there? Does that mean the relationships I've had here won't matter anymore? In my mind I have this idea of who I'm supposed to end up with and the life I'm supposed to have right here, in Utah. But maybe fate has a different plan for me, only time will tell. I'm not too worried, I know in the back of my mind that everything will work itself out because it does, always.
These last few days have been hard, and even more tears are to come. That just means I'm one lucky girl. Utah its been real, now its time to live my dream.