"One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder"
Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not very good at relationships. I'm not good at talking about my feelings or committing. That one is in general. I just have commitment issues okay? Well there is a joke I have, I always say I'm gonna die alone, except for if I marry, lets call him Dan. I won't use his real name, you understand. But Dan is my best friend. I should say was my best friend. And only few knew the way I felt about him. I don't think he even really knew just how much he meant to me. Anyway, I use to always say those words whenever marriage or kids would come up because its true. I don't believe in signing a piece of paper that pretty much states this person is your other half. Like why? If/when you get divorced they get half of everything you own. Literally you sign a paper that says you are 50% of me. And its dumb. With the divorce rate the way it is I could never imagine myself committing to anyone for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I just couldn't. And plus that means I'd have to be myself, I'd have to talk about my god awful past, my crazy dysfunctional family, and when that comes up I have to explain why I was adopted, then the pity "I'm sorry" look comes on and I feel like they are looking at me as damaged goods instead of just me. And just everything bad about me and my life they have to know about and somehow find a way to love me anyway? No. But really it has to happen because marriage is FOREVER. Not just till you get bored and the hard work comes in. Its for the rest of your life. So they have to know all there is to know about you. And I've already decided I won't find that anywhere, except for with the one person who has been there through it all. Dan. He's seen every version of me, most days I think he knows me better then I know myself.
P.S. I want you to know its not like I'm crazy and had the wedding planned or anything, but when I thought about my life 6 or 7 years down the road he was the only boy I pictured it with. Yes, I wanna wait that long to get married. But the details don't even matter because I really messed up, I lost him probably forever. I was selfish, heartless, completely immature and too blind to see what I had in front of me.
Question, have you ever met someone you are totally 100% in sync with? You have the same views on everything, music, relationships, marriage, religion, just life? Well he was it for me. You could put us in a room with absolutely nothing in it, no phones, no TV, just an empty room and I promise you we'd have a blast. We could never actually finish a movie because we'd just talk for hours on end and forget we were actually watching a movie till it was over. He was my best friend. If I was having a bad day he was the first person I would go to. He always knew exactly what to say even if I didn't want to hear it. He'd come over and I wouldn't have make up on, or I would just be in sweats because hes the only boy on the planet I'm comfortable with. He is actually the only guy who has seen my fro hair. It was his birthday and he wanted to see it so how could I say no? And surprisingly he didn't kick me to the curb like I thought he would. He must be a true friend, hah. I guess even when I would talk about him I would glow, whatever that means. And not only did we completely get each other, but we've been friends for almost 6 years. So he's been there when my family was dysfunctional, he knows about my past because he was there when I was making all those mistakes, he was the one who helped me pick up the pieces when my world was falling apart. Without him, I have no idea where I would be right now.
I took him for granted. I'm how you say immature in English. I liked the attention boys gave me, but I liked knowing that Dan would always be there for me. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted the single life of boys liking me and doing fun things with the girls but with him on the side, I guess to fill the boyfriend role? What a bitch right? How could someone be so selfish. Well I was, and I'm gonna regret for the rest of my life. I'm realizing now all the mistakes I've made in our relationship. Although at the time I didn't really think what I was doing was wrong, but then I took a step back and looked it from his point of view and everything made sense. I finally understood why he hated me and I don't blame him, I would hate me too.
Forgiveness isn't really an option here. The thing with chances is one day you run out, and I should of ran out a long time ago. Maybe if this was the first time, but its not. Its 4 years ago on repeat.
I'm in a lot of pain right now, and usually with heart breaks the girl is left broken because of something the boy did, not the other way around. When girls use to tell me I deserve better in my past relationships, it would hurt but I knew they were right. In this case his friends should be telling him he deserves better, because he does. Everything I should of said, was too late. Actions speak louder then words. I got my chance and I blew it. I literally lost the best thing that's ever happened to me.
But I like to think that this isn't over for us. That we will spend the next 4 years working on defining ourselves separately, with our careers and just maturing as adults and running into each other by chance. That fate has a plan for us. I have hope its you and me because I can't imagine forever with anyone else.